Over the past few hours, I’ve been holding my personal COP 26, and following fierce negotiations between me and myself I’m ready to announce my ten targets, which once met should allow me to single-handedly save our planet.
Firstly, I will cut my methane emissions by 80% by reducing consumption of onions, cabbage and hot bread;
Secondly, I will surrender my loyalty card for my local supermarket and instead of buying pre-packed, highly processed foods off the shelf, I will embark on my own hunter-gatherer efforts, such as setting up mousetraps in the loft and snares in the garden (in which I’m hoping to trap my neighbour’s unsuspecting cats who are taking great liberties with my blue-tit population);
Thirdly, I will sell my car for scrap (it is just a pile of rust anyway) and start using Dog for transportation. Although Dog isn’t of the husky variety and wouldn’t know how to pull a sleigh, she is well-practised at pulling on the lead and dragging me in all sorts of directions and places I don’t want to go. With some training, Dog may learn to follow SATNAV, failing which, there is always the bicycle.
Fourthly, I will replace my coal-powered toothbrush with an electric one.
Fifthly, I will boycott oil and only use butter for fry-ups.
Sixthly, I won’t use plastic, not even for plastic surgery (I’ll just wither and wrinkle organically when my time comes).
Seventhly, I will vote Greens and join Extinction Rebellion. I’ll make banners about climate change, protest vigorously against this government’s incompetence (I will enjoy that bit!) and glue myself to my tarmac driveway using only natural adhesives.
Eighthly, I will recycle and reuse my old clothes, including underwear, by simply losing the weight I don’t need to carry about me anyway.
Ninthly, I will track down and shut down every last pesky climate-change denier and make them eat their words raw and without salt. If they refuse, I will feed them to Dog.
Tenthly and lastly, I will forage. In fact, I’ve already started foraging and I fancy I could give any wild boar a run for his money. I have a collection of truffles and mushrooms which I have uncovered in the forest and identified as edible. I am particularly proud of this erect specimen (note the spotlight) which was filmed on location in the SCOTISH HIGHLANDS.
And here is my recipe for emission-free mushroom risotto (note: no mushroom was harmed in the making of this dish):